Tuesday, September 15, 2009

In the here and now

It's easy to wish away the present. It's easy to dream of a day when Finny can walk, talk, go to school, pick up the toys on his own, wipe his own bottom, sleep in until 10, do his own breakfast dishes, and ride in the car without screaming at the top of his lungs. It's easy to dream of the day when I can go to the gym, shop for jeans, or start and finish a long project (shhh, we don't talk about the novel any more).

But, I know, always, in the back of my mind, that when the day comes that I finally have time (and money) to decorate my house, I'll miss the days when I was so needed. Because being needed comes with the priceless perk of endless affection and cuddling.

Best part of my day: rocking with Finny and reading him stories. He lays his little hands on mine and sometimes points to the pages and I can feel his soft baby hair under my chin. Then, he lets me kiss him in the soft spot between his ear and his neck. And as I lay him down, he gives me this desperate look--"You're leaving? But we were having such a nice moment there in the chair with the books and the reading and the cuddling and now, you're leaving?"

Best part of my day: the look of absolute elation on his face when he wakes up and I come back to get him (NOTE: this is not the best part of my day unless at least an hour and a half has passed). He flips all around, does bridges and downward facing dog, tugs on his blanket and smiles so big the paci falls out--"You're back! I can't believe it! I love you! Show me the ceiling light again and our faces in the mirror. Man, I forgot how funny you are!"

Someday, he'll leave me and it'll be the right thing for him to do. But, hopefully he'll come back and when he does, I'll say, "You're back! I can't believe it! I love you! Man, I forgot how precious you are." And at that point it may be weird for a mom to kiss her grown son on the neck, but maybe I'll get a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and it'll be just enough to remind me of that little hand on mine and that soft baby hair under my chin and that skinny little butt in the monster pajamas, and I'll wonder why did I ever want it to end?

1 comment:

  1. Jill I love it! You are the cutest mom. This made me just think "yeah this is the greatest job ever!" And it totally flies by, my little Chloe is 4 now and I don't know how it happened. And by the way, your blog cracks me up. You are hilarious. SWAYZE would be an awesome name!