Half Naked Family Yoga

It was snowing.  Again.  By the time I got over my guilt of taking them to the gym, I realized we wouldn’t be going anywhere, not while the snow was getting thick, not while schools were closing, not while my car was making that noise.

So, while we were shoveling in our French Toast, Finny asked, “What are we doing today?”  The usual question for his tour guide.

 “After breakfast, we’re going to do yoga in the family room.  I have a DVD we’re gonna put in.”

 “What’s yoga?”

 “It’s exercise.  It’ll make us stronger.”

 “Okay!”  He got excited.

 I picked up the toys, moved the coffee table off the rug, took off my socks.

 “Why are you taking off your socks?”

 “It’s easier to do yoga that way.”  Finny took off his.

 And then we waited for Rodney Yee, our Power Yoga teacher to appear on the screen.  And suddenly, there he was, looking serene, strong, vibrant, standing in mountain pose on his mat perched on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  Where was he?  Hawaii?  St. Lucia?  Curse you, Rodney Yee.

 “Why is he all alone like that on that cliff?  Isn’t he scared?  A lion could get him.”

 We moved into forward bend.

 For a second, I imagined that, what an unexpected twist it would be if Rodney Yee suddenly got mauled by a lion while balancing in tree pose and they decided to go ahead and market and sell the disc anyway.  I smiled.

 “Finny, he’s not alone.  There’s a camera crew with him videotaping.”

 “Where are they?”

 “Well, you can’t see them because they’re behind the camera.”

 We moved back into mountain pose.

 His long, black hair was styled in a neat French braid.

 “Is he a boy or a girl?” Finny asked.

 “A boy,” I said, “He just has long hair.”

 Back to forward bend.  Inhale.  Exhale.

 He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of tight blue biker shorts, for emphasis, you know, during bridge pose, when the thrusting begins.

 “Why is he naked?”  Finny asked.

 “Well, he has shorts on,” I said, “I think he wants to show us how strong his muscles are.”

 “Oh, well I can do that.”  Finny began stripping down.  All the way.

 “Leave your undies on, Finn.” 

Charlie followed suit.  Zipping down his fleece footy pajamas and asking for help when he couldn’t tug them off his feet.

We moved into down-dog, three out of the four of us now shirtless.

Charlie was beside me, inverted in a two-year-old down-dog.  “I Silly Sally,” he said.  (Silly Sally went to town walking backwards upside down—our new favorite library book by Audrey Wood.)

“Do I have to do everything he tells me to do?” Finn asked, “Why are you doing everything he tells you to do?”

“Because he’s the teacher.  He’s teaching us how to get stronger.”

“Oh, well I just want to dance.  Can we do the Wii?”

“I want do Michael Jackson,” Silly Sally chimed in.

“I need a boo-boo brick.  Come on, Charlie.”  They retrieved ice packs from the freezer, needing a cool down after two poses.  I continued in Warrior One, Warrior Two, Down Dog, Up dog, Triangle pose, while they swirled around me, jumping off the couches, hurling stuffed animals. 

It was when I was laying on my back about to move into back bend that I saw the ice packs in their hands raised above their heads.  They were standing above me on the couch, in their underwear, ready to hurl frozen ice at me.  It was then, when the final scenes of Lord of the Flies flashed before my eyes, that I decided to wrench myself away from Rodney Yee’s island paradise and parent again.

“Whoa!  Whoa!  Do NOT throw those ice packs.  You could hurt me.  Get down.”

“I pooping,” Charlie grunted, gripping the couch. 

“Of course you are,” I said and closed my eyes.

“Why are you closing your eyes?” Finny asked.

“I’m relaxing,” I whispered.

“Why?” Finny whispered back.

“Because he’s telling me to.”

“You don’t have to do everything he tells you to do,” Finny responded, still suspicious of Rodney Yee’s dictatorial air.

“I want to relax, Finny.  Want to lay down and do it with me?”

“No.  I’m taking my little sister to ballerina class.  Come on, Charlie!”

“Yah,” said Charlie, eager to play whatever role Finny casts him in. 

The DVD ended and Finny’s little sister needed a diaper change, so I stood up, in a jolt, not at all emanating the peaceful, one-with-the-earth air that one is supposed to emanate after Savasana relaxation.

“Do you feel stronger, Mommy?”

“I do.”

“Can I see your muscles?”

 I gave him my best body builder flex.

“Oh, yeah, I feel stronger too.  See!”  And he showed me his skinny little arms while squinching up his face and growling with an intensity that made his face turn red.

“Oh, you look very strong!”  I said.  “You too, Silly Sally.”

“Let’s do yoga again sometime, Mommy!”

“Ok, Finn.  Any time.”