A Familiar Place

I wondered, back when I was pregnant just over a week ago, how all of this second child business was going to go down. I remembered how frazzled I’d been when Finny was a newborn, how there didn’t seem to be time for anything, how I would often seem to be choosing between life’s basics, “Okay, I have thirty minutes before he needs to eat again. Do I eat, sleep, or pee?” Often times I would choose sleep above all else and then find myself nursing Finny on the couch with a full bladder and an empty stomach, cursing myself for not eating or peeing when I had had the chance. Showering seemed important but impossible and any kind of chore above putting a dish in the dishwasher seemed likely to never be done again as dust bunnies huddled in corners and a funky orange mildew coated the shower tiles.

I remember feeling frustrated with David too that he didn’t share my sense of urgency. Immediately upon taking his last bite of breakfast, I expected him to bolt up from his chair and start racing to clean up the dishes. Didn’t he understand that we only had an hour before the baby needed to eat again? Didn’t he hear the loud ticking of the clock every time little Finny turned his head funny and started to root, root, root with his tongue? Didn’t he know how often I had to eat soggy Raisin Bran because just as soon as I poured the milk, Finny’s milk seemed to already be letting down for another feeding? How could he possibly think he was going to read the newspaper at a time like this?!

Well, here I am once again with the soggy Raisin Bran and the cold coffee ordering David around and penciling in time to pee. The difference is it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it did the first time. The difference is I sort of get it now. I get that now is not the time for me to enjoy a leisurely breakfast or shave my legs or organize the Tupperware cabinet. I get that now is not the time for these things, but that there will be time for them once again someday. I will drink a full mug of hot coffee again someday, I will find all the missing lids to the Tupperware, and sometime before spring rolls around and things really start to get scary I will add a few minutes to my shower and shave my legs again.

Life has gotten a little more complicated with a newborn, but this time, I’m planning on things not going as planned. This time, I am in familiar territory with a new perspective, and in that respect, so far, two has been greater than one.