Separation of Church and Finny

It all begins relatively smoothly. Initially, there is just an overwhelming sense of awe as we walk in the door. The stained glass, the pink ceiling, the man in the white robe with the green scarf, the smooth wooden benches, and the singing, oh yeah the singing! There are so many people and the books with all the pages and the lights, all the lights! Then, the man in the robe with the big scarf talks and everyone gets quiet.

Everyone but Finny.

We get through the gathering song and then the screaming begins. It is not screaming out of fear or anger; it is screaming for the pure joy of screaming. So the pacifier goes in. And then the pacifier comes out, tossed as if this dear friend actually means nothing to him, onto the dusty church tiles. It is retrieved, gently dusted off on a pant leg and put back in only to be tossed once again at the back of the woman in front of us. It is even more gently retrieved and put away.

Out come the Teddy Grahams and in, in, in they go. And even though he now has five in his mouth, he reaches for more--must have one in each hand, one on his pant leg, one dismembered across the front of his sweater and five in his mouth. And then there are none. SCREAM!

We are through the first reading. Ask Mom what it was about. "Something about a widow."

Out comes the juice to wash down the Teddy Grahams and slurp, slurp, slurp, toss underneath the pew in front of us.

Out come the toys. One in each hand. Toss. Toss. Thrash. Thrash. Pull. Pull. SCREAM! SCREAM!

To the back of the church we go. The second reading begins. Finny gets down, grabs my fingers and walks, walks, walks back and forth in the back of the church. Gets down to crawl--escapes! Heads for the table of candles lit for loved ones--oh, to pull myself up and touch all that wonderful light! Captured. SCREAM! Thrash, thrash, thrash. Down again and walking with Mom. Sees Jesus. Makes a mad dash for Him. Wants to pull himself up on the crossed, nailed feet of Jesus. So does Mom.

We are through the second reading. Ask Mom what it's about, "Something about Jesus."

The gospel begins. We are now standing behind the glass windowed doors in the space between the church doors and the doors to the parking lot, but at least there are speakers here and we can hear the gospel. Finny bangs on the shiny glass windows and SCREAMS like Dustin Hoffman from The Graduate.

We go outside. Ask Mom what the gospel was about, "I don't know, DAMNIT!"

We stand outside and Mom prays silently for forgiveness for cussing in her head in church.

Going to church with a one-year-old is an act of futility. I leave exhausted, wondering why I came. We spent the car ride home brainstorming ways to keep both Finny and church in our lives. We are open to suggestions.